How Can You Toot A Toot-Toot,
When You Have No Toot To Toot?
Words by Will A. Heelan
Music by Seymour Furth
Published 1909

[verse 1]
My friend said "take an auto ride
we'll turn things upside down"
We turned the auto first
and then we nearly turned the town,
We broke the record broke the horn
and then we broke the law,
We even broke away from ev'ry officer we saw,
One yelled "why don't you toot toot" when you ride?
"The reason is we couldn't," I replied.

[chorus 1]
How can you toot a toot toot when you
have no toot to toot?
To toot a toot with no toot to toot
you simply cannot do't
Why we blew that horn away 'way back,
You can find it lying on the track,
How can you toot a toot toot when you
have no toot to toot?

[verse 2]
I once went into politics,
walked in a big parade,
I marched in front up with the band
a bass trombone I played,
Some Irish kids walked near me,
they were eating lemon juice,
I tried to stop my flow of grief and,
oh, well what's the use?
"Come toot toot on that horn" the leader cried,
I made a sour face and then replied.

[chorus 2]
How can you toot a toot toot when you
have no toot to toot?
To toot a toot with no toot to toot
you simply cannot do't
Tho' I try and try, I get no sound,
All the music inside must be drowned,
How can you toot a toot toot when you
have no toot to toot?

[verse 3]
The engineer was idle tho'
there was an engine near,
And near it stood the passengers,
like sheep, all cowed with fear,
And near them stood some robbers
with the pistols pointed straight,
A passenger cried "engineer, toot
toot for help, don't wait?"
The engineer said, "I would do it but,
When you say toot toot I must say tut tut!"

[chorus 3]
How can you toot a toot toot when you
have no toot to toot?
To toot a toot with no toot to toot
you simply cannot do't
All the steam is gone we're in a scrape,
'Twas the only thing that could escape,
How can you toot a toot toot when you
have no toot to toot?