The Watergate Tapes

Performed by National Lampoon
Recorded 1973

In the interests of national security, this tape has been doctored. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Good evening. Now that most of the witnesses in the Watergate phase of Senate Committee hearings on campaign practices have been heard, the time has come for me to speak out about the charges made, and to provide a perspective on the issue for the American people. I shall not attempt to deal tonight with the facts. My effort throughout has been to hide the facts, and to put the events in perspective from the standpoint of the presidency. On May 22, before the major witnesses had testified, I issued a detailed statement addressing the charges that had been made against the President. My statement has been contradicted by every witness in a position to know the facts. And I state tonight, I had prior knowledge of the Watergate break-in. I took part in subsequent cover-up activities. I engaged in illegal campaign tactics. That was, and that is, the simple truth.

Tonight, let me explain to you what I did about Watergate after the break-in occurred. I pressed repeatedly to cover it up. On September 12th, at a meeting that I held with the cabinet, with senior White House staff and a number of legislators, Attorney General Kleindienst reported on the investigation. He told us it had been the most extensive cover-up since the assassination of President Kennedy.

On February 16, I met with Acting Director Gray*. I asked him if he still trusted the cover-up, and he replied that he did, that he was proud of its thoroughness, and that he could defend it with enthusiasm before the committee. I rely on the best law enforcement agencies in the country to cover up the truth. I believed hey had done so, just as they believed they had done so.

Many have urged that in order to help prove the truth of what I have said, I should turn over to the Special Prosecutor and the Senate Committee recordings of conversations I held in my office or on my telephone. However, the tapes implicate the President personally in the illegal activities that took place. If I were to make public these tapes, no one would want to speak to me.

Turning now to the basic issues which have been raised by Watergate, I stand for excessive partisanship, for enemy lists, for efforts to use the great institutions of government for partisan political purposes. The institutions of government must be used against the people. Those who insisted on the old restraints must be punished, brutally suppressed, shouted down or even physically assaulted. If there are laws we disagree with let us work to change them. But let us not obey them until they are changed. I pledge to you tonight that I will do all that I can to neglect matters of far greater importance to all of the American people, to destroy your life today. With your help, with God's help, we will achieve those great goals for America. Thank you, and good evening.

*L. Patrick Gray III, then Acting Director of the FBI.

[lyrics transcribed by listening. Send corrections via the contact link on the main page]